Ten Tips for Building Emotional Intelligence (Part Two)

Daniel Goleman popularized the concept of emotional intelligence (EQ). He reminded us at a recent Kennedy School online forum that each of us has the capacity to develop our emotional intelligence. 

So what is emotional intelligence? Goleman's progenitors Peter Salovey and John Mayer coined the term in 1990, defining it as "the ability to monitor one's own and others' feelings and emotions, to discriminate among them, and to use this information to guide one's thinking and action."

We can with mindfulness improve our impulse control, for example, and as Goleman told the Kennedy School audience lengthen “the gap between initial impulse and the moment you act.” I call this "blurt management." How often do we find people in leadership positions compromising their effectiveness by blurting out something - or worse, doing something - without thinking through how their words and deeds will poison the work environment? Far too often, it seems.

There are specific ways to improve our emotional intelligence. Here are 10 of them:

1. Start by accepting that EQ and its principles of self-awareness, self-regulation, social awareness, and social regulation really do matter. Indeed, few things matter more in career and life success than how effectively we interact with people.
2. Understand that EQ is rooted in neural anatomy, specifically the brain’s limbic system. Neuroplasticity means we can learn to be more emotionally intelligent, self-aware, situationally aware, observant, and better listeners as well as less impulsive and angry.
3. Realize that those who discount or reject emotional intelligence are often the folks who need it most. Colleagues with high IQ sometimes fail because they lack the self-awareness needed to understand how emotionally unintelligent they are. They simply dismiss what they call "soft skills" that are, of course, the hardest skills of all.
4. Be fully honest with yourself about your EQ strengths and weaknesses. Try to assess how other people view your leadership and communication approaches, soliciting informal feedback and utilizing the right kind of 360-degree reviews. 
5. Monitor what you say and do and how you say and do it. Be a participant-observer in your own practice of leadership. The "I just tell it like it is" bloviators are often self-defeating. Besides, they're not telling you "like it is." They're simply disgorging their opinions, which are not always correct. This also means paying attention to your non-verbal communication, since body language often communicates louder than words. 
6. Slow down. Train yourself not to instantly react in some situations. Let somebody's statement marinate for a while, if you can, whether it's for a few minutes, several hours, or a few days. You don't always have to "weigh in," at least right away. Yes, there are circumstances in which an immediate reaction is required, but they are fewer in number than you may think.
7. Manage your stress. Reduce it where you can, especially self-imposed stress. Exercise, yoga, meditation, good nutrition, mental imaging, and sound sleeping habits are all leadership development tools that can shape your brain chemistry as well as your overall mental and physical fitness. 
8. Take a walk, listen to a favorite song, or grab a cup of coffee before a difficult meeting. You control your physiology and emotional state; nobody else does. You own your mood and you are responsible for its consequences. 
9. Read, view, and listen to inspiring content about emotionally intelligent leaders. Identify leaders you admire. What is it about them that attracts you to their leadership style and what can you apply to your own approach? Keep a journal about your leadership and EQ development. 
10. Get some coaching, whether formal or informal. Some professional coaches are good, but buyer beware. Alternatively, do you have a trusted advisor, former employee, or family member in whom you can confide? Use this feedback to engage in constructive self-reflection and behavior modification.

Image courtesy of BBVA.